What am I up to?

I'm currently waiting for the water to cool down, so that I can make tortillas! I hope it works this time. I haven't made a great batch yet, so hopefully this time it works! I didn't get on here to talk about tortillas though. There is nothing wrong with getting on here to blog about tortillas, but it's not quite THAT interesting. Unless I mess it up, then it could be. Haha.
Really I'm just wondering, when will this end? How will I get through this? I know I will get through it with Jesus, only with His help will I get through this victoriously. I just wonder, how is He going to get me through it? I have doubts and just don't know. I try to explain what's going on, and it seems to be unexplainable, at least not wholly explainable. I'm a girl, some would say, many things are unexplainable with girls. Am I complaining? You know, the truth is, when I obey Jesus, things really do work out better. And I go ahead with my way, and then sometimes within an hour see the bad results. If I obey the Lord, it's very possible I won't know what He protected me from, but how wonderful He did. I need to obey more. And that's all for now.
God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble.

² Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,

³ though its waters roar and foam
and the mountains quake with their surging.
Selah

Psalm 46:1-3

Thank You Jesus! You set me free, help me to stand in that freedom!

I'm there through your heartache, I'm there in the storm.

I know I need You
I need to love You
I love to see You, but it's been so long
I long to feel You
I feel this need for You
And I need to hear You, is that so wrong?


Now You pull me near You
When we're close, I fear You
Still I'm afraid to tell You, all that I've done
Are You done forgiving?
Oh can You look past my pretending?
Lord, I'm so tired of defending, what I've become
What have I become?



I hear You say,
"My love is over. It's underneath.
It's inside. It's in between.
The times you doubt Me, when you can't feel.
The times that you question, 'Is this for real? '
The times you're broken.
The times that you mend.
The times that you hate Me, and the times that you bend.
Well, My love is over, it's underneath.
It's inside, it's in between.
These times you're healing, and when your heart breaks.
The times that you feel like you're falling from grace.
The times you're hurting.
The times that you heal.
The times you go hungry, and are tempted to steal.
The times of confusion, in chaos and pain.
I'm there in your sorrow, under the weight of your shame.
I'm there through your heartache.
I'm there in the storm.
My love I will keep you, by My pow'r alone.
I don't care where you fall, where you have been.
I'll never forsake you, My love never ends.
It never ends."

That explains it. Please. Don't go. But my soul shall say, Blessed be the name of the Lord. Job 1:21 If the Lord gives us times of abundance, and good times, shall we not receive times of trial as well? Job 2:10 (not the exact words, but the idea)

Wait, I know You will help Lord, if I ask You! Thank You!

Will I ever know the answer?
Yes, I know I will. Or I believe I will. It's just the "waiting until I know the answer" that I dislike. But who likes waiting? Honestly. I know that in the end I will be glad I waited on the Lord. For He truly knows best. And I DO want His will. We could get lost in a land of "if only." If only I was so sure of this or that.
Oh life. It is an interesting thing. I was reading my journal the other day, and one day I was writing about moving back to Ukraine. This was sometime in the past two years, while living in the States. I think it was back in 2008. And I don't think we were really planning on moving back here yet, but in the entry, I was talking about how going back to Ukraine would be awesome. But I didn't know if it would happen. And now here I am. Wow.
I think back to goodbyes I said to people when we moved back to the States. The last day of the Kiev National conference. That was a hard day.
Nate and Diana's wedding. Goodbyes to very close friends.
The morning we drove from Dnipro to Kiev. Wow, I was upset.
After spending a month in Finland, we came back through Kiev for one day and flew to the States. That one day, wow. I couldn't wait to be back in Ukraine, whether it was for one day or not. I just kept holding onto that one day. And the day we left, oh it hurt so much.
Our first Sunday in America, big church, I knew so few people, and I could barely hold back the tears.
And now I look, I love that church so much. And I am back in Ukraine, which I love as well of course.
To end it, Wait on the Lord. It is worth it. IT IS!

14 Wait on the LORD: be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart: wait, I say, on the LORD. Psalm 27:14

Chocolate or Jesus?

What if-
when you are sad, you could just go eat chocolate and that would make you feel happier. It really would.
What if-
When you are upset, you put on sad music that only enhances your mood.
What if-
Well you know, I love doing both of those things. Well, I do love chocolate and I do love listening to sad music when I am already upset. You may be thinking right now, "Lindsay, where are you going with this?" Well, the thought pattern is such-
When I am upset, I am to go to Jesus and find relief in Him, rather than in chemicals that make me happy.
When I am sad, listening to melancholy music or secular music might make me think only more and more on the current struggle. Whereas music glorifying and praising Jesus, really does lift my spirit and I feel better.
Now, am I saying that it's wrong to do these things? Well, relying on chocolate to make you feel better, I don't know. Because then again, if I am sad, will I watch a funny movie to make me feel better? I guess it's different in the sense that with chocolate, it physically does something to you. But whether it's wrong to eat JUST to make you feel better, that is a subject for another day and time.
I don't think it's wrong to listen to sad music when you are sad. I love doing it. It's as Paul says, that all things are lawful, but not all things are profitable. "All things are lawful for me, but not all things are profitable. All things are lawful for me, but I will not be mastered by anything." 1 Corinthians 6:12
So, anyways. I can listen to sad music when I am upset, and that's ok. And should I eat chocolate to make me feel better? Maybe it's ok. In the end, I go with what Paul says, "All things are lawful, but not all things are profitable." If you don't have any problems, then it's ok for you. Paul continues with saying that your freedom shouldn't cause another to stumble. Just read 1 Corinthians 10. So whether you do these things or not, is not my deal, but wouldn't it be better to go to Jesus? And I'm saying this for myself as well. Number 1, it will strengthen your faith and draw you closer to your Jesus. It will make you more relient on Him. Number 2, your eyes will then be focused on Jesus instead of yourself, and we are called to fix our eyes upon Jesus.

¹Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. ²Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Hebrews 12:1-2

And that is where I leave you today.
Seeking

Absolutely 100% helpless. Without Jesus that is

So, though I haven't written here in forever and a day, I just wanted a place to write the crazy things that go on in my mind and heart.
I am so tired of working towards something, in the spiritual sense. So tired of feeling like I have to do something.
Am I complaining? I should not. Or am I simply sharing?
I feel just so, I don't even know what word to say. I just want out of myself. I want to hit something so hard, I want to scream as loud as I can. Maybe the pain and insanity going on inside will be let out then. Sure, I can smack my bed or squeeze something really tight, but I just want to scream.
It hurts and I hate it. I'm pulled two ways and though I know that in the end, I will choose what is right, that doesn't make it any easier. It hurts. I'm so tired of this. Tonight I was thinking, what if I just started all over, got a new identity? Haha. Please don't misunderstand me, I am so incredibly blessed. I am just going through a hard time. BUT, that is no excuse to freak out.
I have an incredibly family, and all of my immediate family know the Lord. What a rarity and blessing. My parents are in love and I never see that changing. They follow Jesus and give us a great example. I have amazing brothers, who are there for me and love me. I have the most amazing sister, who is one of my best friends. My sister in law is wonderful and I love her to death, and I have the most gorgeous niece that anyone has ever seen.
I have incredible, faithful, loving, Godly, and just amazing friends. All over the world. They are examples to me, praying for me, and following Jesus.
And most importantly, I have my Jesus who never fails, never gets impatient, though I go insane some days. He is always there, throughout everything, and the best part, I know He always will be. And yet how little love I give Him. Lord, change me and make me more like You. Give me more love for You please. I love You.
You know Psalm 23, lead beside quiet waters. Oh how I long to be led beside quiet waters right now. I want to go out to some beautiful green meadow with a little stream and trees nearby. I want to rest against a tree and simply listen quietly to the birds sing and the creek flow. I long for that peace, that tranquility. That nothing is on my mind. Simple peace. The scent of flowers in the air, and if you look up, the sky is blue with huge white clouds. The sun is shining and there is just enough wind to make a rustling in the leaves on the big trees. I long for this place.
My flesh and my heart faileth: but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion for ever. Psalm 73:26

ukraine

so...you know how you can be so torn about something. well i have gone through these times of being so excited about going back to Ukraine, and then not wanting to leave the States. tonight i was looking at pictures of one of my closest friends back there and she recently started dating someone and it makes me want to be there so bad. i start looking at pictures and i get so excited. i believe that Ukraine is where the Lord wants me right now. and i love it there soooooo much!!!!!
not my will but Yours be done LORD!!!!!! what a great example from Jesus!

i am so exhausted spritually. i just feel worn out.
i know that the Lord says that i can do all things through Him. (philipians 4:13) and i know it's only through Him. it's not me at all. please help me Jesus.