So, though I haven't written here in forever and a day, I just wanted a place to write the crazy things that go on in my mind and heart.
I am so tired of working towards something, in the spiritual sense. So tired of feeling like I have to do something.
Am I complaining? I should not. Or am I simply sharing?
I feel just so, I don't even know what word to say. I just want out of myself. I want to hit something so hard, I want to scream as loud as I can. Maybe the pain and insanity going on inside will be let out then. Sure, I can smack my bed or squeeze something really tight, but I just want to scream.
It hurts and I hate it. I'm pulled two ways and though I know that in the end, I will choose what is right, that doesn't make it any easier. It hurts. I'm so tired of this. Tonight I was thinking, what if I just started all over, got a new identity? Haha. Please don't misunderstand me, I am so incredibly blessed. I am just going through a hard time. BUT, that is no excuse to freak out.
I have an incredibly family, and all of my immediate family know the Lord. What a rarity and blessing. My parents are in love and I never see that changing. They follow Jesus and give us a great example. I have amazing brothers, who are there for me and love me. I have the most amazing sister, who is one of my best friends. My sister in law is wonderful and I love her to death, and I have the most gorgeous niece that anyone has ever seen.
I have incredible, faithful, loving, Godly, and just amazing friends. All over the world. They are examples to me, praying for me, and following Jesus.
And most importantly, I have my Jesus who never fails, never gets impatient, though I go insane some days. He is always there, throughout everything, and the best part, I know He always will be. And yet how little love I give Him. Lord, change me and make me more like You. Give me more love for You please. I love You.
You know Psalm 23, lead beside quiet waters. Oh how I long to be led beside quiet waters right now. I want to go out to some beautiful green meadow with a little stream and trees nearby. I want to rest against a tree and simply listen quietly to the birds sing and the creek flow. I long for that peace, that tranquility. That nothing is on my mind. Simple peace. The scent of flowers in the air, and if you look up, the sky is blue with huge white clouds. The sun is shining and there is just enough wind to make a rustling in the leaves on the big trees. I long for this place.
My flesh and my heart faileth: but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion for ever. Psalm 73:26
No comments:
Post a Comment